


What should have been

by WeirdV



Series: Let's write some prompts, cause it's fun. [9]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Lawyer Derek Hale, Loss, M/M, Moving On, Sadness, editor lydia martin, ghost!stiles, the lovely bones inspired, writer!stiles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 13:12:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2623013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdV/pseuds/WeirdV
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The truth is, we’ve all been there.<br/>Unrequited love is one of those story lines we see in almost every single movie. Whether it’s the main story line, or just on the side. So Stiles likes to think his life is a bit like one of those movies. He likes to believe that, in the end, he’ll get his love. </p><p>Derek waits for an hour. Another hour.<br/>Two hours.<br/>Five hours.<br/>He falls asleep and is awoken by a knock on his door – he should really get his bell fixed – and stumbles up from the couch. Stiles never showed, he probably changed his mind. Didn’t know how to tell Derek he wasn’t into him. He sighs, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he walks towards the door and opens it to find Isaac standing there. Eyes wide and red, as if he’d been crying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What should have been

**Author's Note:**

> For once, I didn't write a happy ending. Sorry!

The truth is, we’ve all been there.

Unrequited love is one of those story lines we see in almost every single movie. Whether it’s the main story line, or just on the side.

So Stiles likes to think his life is a bit like one of those movies. He likes to believe that, in the end, he’ll get his love.

He remembers the first time he met Derek. At some grocery store parking lot, carrying three bags and attempting to open his trunk. Derek had come to the rescue, taking over his bags, helping him out.

They’d run into each other again later, at the vet. Derek had been there for his dog, Stiles had been there to visit Scott.

The third time they met was at a pizza place, both waiting for a seat and ending up sharing a table. That’s when he learnt Derek was dating someone. It was also the moment he realized he had a crush on the guy, because you’re normally not crushed to find out your _friend_ is taken.

So yeah, Stiles likes to believe his life is a bit like one of those romantic comedies.

He’ll get his guy in the end.

 

They grow close, they become friends, and Stiles keeps his feeling for himself. He doesn’t write sonnets about Derek’s eyes, that seem to be a million colours at once. He doesn’t gush about how smart Derek is, or how sweet he is with his sister – who went to school with Stiles.

They hang out together, with Cora, sometimes Scott. Some of Derek’s friends – Erica and Isaac – become Stiles’ friends as well. And suddenly they’re a group, and they hang out together each Saturday. Sometimes Derek’s boyfriend joins them, sometimes he doesn’t. Derek knows the guy from university, where they had a fling. They’d run into each other a few weeks before Stiles and Derek met, and had reacquainted. They had started dating two weeks before Stiles and Derek met. His name is David.

David is a nice guy, and Stiles really wished he wasn’t. It would make him feel less guilty about his massive Derek-crush.

“Derek talks about you a lot” David tells him once, “Says you’re really funny!”

“Huh, weird” Stiles says in response, trying not to blush. Have you ever tried not to blush? It doesn’t help.

 

It goes on for _months_ , they hang out and Stiles pines from a distance. His heart rate picking up every time Derek looks at him. Like a fucking love sick teenager.

Nobody even knows about his feelings. Every once in a while one of his friends will mention that they know a guy or girl that’d be perfect for him.

He’d just shrug and say he wasn’t really looking for anything at the moment. He was too busy, writing his latest book. Of course his friends didn’t know about that either, since he wrote under a different name.

Only his dad knew, and most of his friends thought he wrote articles for a paper or something. He’d answer something vaguely, distract them by changing the subject whenever they’d ask about it.

Most of them were shocked he didn’t follow in his father’s footsteps, as he had always said he would. But then again – they didn’t know about his very popular and best selling crime novels.

 

There seems to be a slight shift in his relationship with Derek. Or so Stiles thinks, he ignores it, tells him he’s imagining things. Tries not to get his hopes up when Derek starts calling him every few days to talk about his day. He doesn’t get his hopes up when Derek texts him to ask if he’s okay, because  it’s his mom’s death’s anniversary. Derek mentions David a few times, how he’s busy with work. How they seem to argue more. How he wants to move in together, but that Derek doesn’t think they’re there yet.

But they see each other less. They talk, and they email, but they haven’t seen each other for a while.  He hasn’t seen Derek in almost two weeks when the man calls him one evening.

“Derek?” Stiles asks, he’s confused. It’s not that Derek’s never calls him, because he does. But it’s late and Stiles doesn’t quite know what to think of it, “Everything okay?” he asks after a moment of silence.

“David and I broke up” he says, his voice sounds a bit hoarse, but it doesn’t crack.

“Oh” Stiles sighs, how should you feel about something like that? Being happy about it is wrong, because Derek really liked the guy. Stiles knows things had been difficult between them for a while, but he knows from experience that that doesn’t really soften the blow. And going after Derek only moments after he broke up – well, that’s just wrong.

“It’s okay” Derek says after a while, “We weren’t close anymore.”

“Still, I’m sorry, Derek” he replies, saving his document and shooting a quick email to Lydia telling her he finished his final chapter before closing off his laptop.

“I know. I mean – it’s stupid” he hears Derek pace around, “One minute we’re talking, and suddenly he’s yelling at me for talking about you. And then he’s screaming that – _If Stiles is so great, maybe you should date him._ And I said – maybe I should. And he stormed out.”

“Oh” Stiles stopped moving.

“That was last week” Derek continues, “I had some time to think about it. Maybe we should talk.”

Stiles bites his lip, he can’t get his hopes up. Because that would be wrong, but he does.

“I’m free now” Stiles says, “I can come over. I mean – I know it’s late. But I’m not getting any sleep anyways after hearing this.”

“Yeah – you know where I live” Derek says, he sounds nervous.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in an hour or so.”

-

 

Derek waits for an hour. Another hour.

Two hours.

Five hours.

He falls asleep and is awoken by a knock on his door – he should really get his bell fixed – and stumbles up from the couch. Stiles never showed, he probably changed his mind. Didn’t know how to tell Derek he wasn’t into him. He sighs, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he walks towards the door and opens it to find Isaac standing there. Eyes wide and red, as if he’d been crying.

“Are you okay?” Isaac asks, Derek frowns.

“Yeah – why wouldn’t I be?” he’s confused, because Derek feels fine. He’s a little bummed about being stood up, but Isaac can’t possibly know about that. He hadn’t even told anyone that he broke up with David, or that he had realized he was – sort of – in love with Stiles.

“You – nobody’s told you” he says surprised – not the good kind of surprise.

“Told me what?” Derek asks, there’s a strange feeling in his stomach, panic rising, “Isaac” he says, a bit more urgently, “Told me _what?”_

“Stiles – last night. There – there was a drunk driver and –“ he stops and Derek is already grabbing his coat.

“What hospital is he in?” he asks, and Isaac shakes his head, tears silently streaming down his cheeks, “Isaac, _what hospital?”_

“No – no hospital, Derek” he says, swallowing hard, “He’s not – he – he’s _gone_.”

“No he’s not” Derek shakes his head, and he feels something heavy behind his eyelids, and acid rising in his stomach, “It’s not _funny_ , Isaac. Where _is_ he?”

“Derek! I’m _so_ sorry” he says, “I – I thought someone had told you. Last night, he died on impact. The drunk driver hit him, side of the car. He – he didn’t stand a chance.”

“But – but” Derek takes a step back as Isaac reaches out in an attempt to comfort him, “NO!”

“Derek, it’s –“

“No” he shakes his head, “He can’t be – he was. We were. He –.“

“Derek?” Isaac frowns as Derek takes another step backwards, then stands there, staring blankly at Isaac without looking at him. He has to get the words out, somehow, he thinks.

“He – I called him. He was on his way here” he says slowly, forcing himself to tell Isaac, “When he didn’t show, I just thought. I was going to -.”

“Oh my god, _Derek_ ” Isaac stares at him and pulls Derek into a hug, Derek allows him. Too lost to argue or free himself from it.

“I’m so sorry, Derek” he says slowly, “I had no idea. I didn’t know you -.”

He doesn’t finish the thought, because it doesn’t need saying.

“Yeah – neither did I.”

 

-

Stiles remember getting in the car. He remembers driving, and stopping at the red light.

He remembers driving again when the light turned green.

After that everything is gone.

And now he’s standing in the middle of the road. No car, no wallet, no phone. All alone. And all he can think of is that Derek’s waiting for him.

-

 

You learn a lot about someone when they die, Derek thinks. There’s an urn in the front of the room – no church, Stiles wasn’t religious. Part of him knew that, but apparently Stiles had been very adamant about that in his will. He had a will, what twenty six year old guy had a will?

_“My mother died before she turned thirty, Derek. She was twenty nine when she died, twenty one when I was born. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine dying that young? Can you imagine me not being there anymore in three years? Because I can’t.”_

He knows the answer to that question himself, so he doesn’t ask it out loud. The guy whose mother died at age twenty nine, that’s the kind of guy that has a will at age twenty six.

Derek looks around the room, he is sitting next to Scott and a redheaded woman named Lydia. Scott hasn’t cried – neither has Derek. The sheriff is the same. The three of them just sit there, staring at the urn motionless. Surrounded by people crying and sobbing over losing Stiles.

And Derek doesn’t feel he’s allowed to cry. Because he didn’t lose Stiles.

He never got the chance to have him.

‘ _Unrequited love, Derek! It’s what all great stories are made of. Well, and a good murder, of course.”_

Only Isaac knows why Stiles was on his way to Derek. The others know Stiles was on his way to Derek, but they don’t know the exact reason. The sheriff doesn’t blame him, he said so himself. The sheriff blames the man that got behind the wheel drunk and killed his son.

When they tracked the man down, they had to pull the sheriff off of him. His face already beaten black and blue. His deputies hadn’t been all the motivated to come to the rescue. Part of Derek wished they hadn’t. Part of Derek wishes the man was dead too. Most of Derek knew that it wouldn’t bring Stiles back, though. And all of Derek knew that Stiles wouldn’t approve.

_“I don’t like murder, Derek. I like mystery. I like murder stories. So, yeah. Maybe I get a bit enthusiastic when somebody in this little town dies, but it’s because I want to know the story! Not because I’m happy they’re dead. Even the bad guys don’t deserve to die. Because death doesn’t happen to them, it happens to the people around them. And they aren’t the ones that have to suffer for it.”_

_

 

The funeral ends, and people gather outside. Derek ends up standing next to the redhead, Lydia. He vaguely remembers Stiles mentioning her once.

_“Lydia Martin, she’s a strawberry blonde queen. A force of nature, I owe her everything. Well, she likes to think so at least. I’m happy to let her believe that, though. Because I might not owe her everything, but I owe her a lot. She’s my editor.”_

Besides that, Derek never really heard Stiles talk about his job much.

“Hi” she smiles, “You’re Derek, right?”

Derek nods slowly, he’s never met the woman. He knows she works with Stiles, and that she’s his editor. But that’s all, he doesn’t know how close they were. She was never with their little group on Saturdays. He knows Stiles sometimes complained about her, about how she was on his case again. But Derek figured it was part of her job, making sure he kept to his deadlines for his articles.

“I’m Lydia. Stiles – he talked about you a lot” she says with a warm smile, Derek smiles back at her, “He based one of his characters on you.”

He looks at her, frowning, “One of his characters?” he asks, she nods at him, “How – what do you mean?”

Articles don’t have characters, at least not the articles Derek reads in the papers. But now that he thinks of it, Stiles never really mentioned what it was exactly that he wrote.

“You know” she says slowly, “From his books -. You know.”

“I – I don’t” Derek says slowly, “I know he wrote, but I didn’t know - . He wrote _books_?”

There’s a sting in his stomach as he says it, past tense, because Stiles is no longer around to write things. Whether it be books or articles.

“Yeah” the sheriff is standing behind him and Derek turns around, a bit startled by his presence, “Stiles kept it quiet. Didn’t want people to look at him differently for it.”

_“My job isn’t nearly as interesting as yours, Derek. I just write stuff for people to read. That’s it. Nothing special about it at all.”_

 “Oh – I’m sorry, sheriff” Lydia says earnestly, she looks a bit ashamed, as if she just shared some top secret information, “I didn’t know – I thought his friends and family knew.”

“It’s okay, Lydia” he smiles weakly at her, placing a comforting hand on her elbow and giving her a reassuring smile, “Stiles would’ve wanted to tell them eventually. He would’ve _loved_ seeing everyone’s face when they found out about his books.”

“What – what books?” Derek asks, swallowing, “I mean – what are the titles?”

“Uhm, it’s the _Escape_ series” Lydia says with a smile, taking in Derek’s response, “I take it you’ve read them?”

“I have” he says slowly, “More than once.”

_“You’re reading the ‘Escape’ books again? You must really like them a lot, huh. You know, that werewolf character does sort of remind me of you, now that I think about it. You’d be an awesome werewolf.”_

 Derek closes his eyes for a seconds, shaking his head slightly to clear his thoughts. He based a character on him, and something told him it was probably the werewolf. Scott joins them and clears his throat.

“They’re – uhm – scattering the ashes” he says, his voice monotone. A part of Derek is still expecting to wake up at any moment.

 

-

Stiles gets to Derek’s apartment eventually. He doesn’t remember how he got there, but somehow he’s sitting on the couch and waiting for Derek to get back. The place looks cold, papers and books scattered around. His latest novel is lying face down on the coffee table –  the back of it cracked – and it looks well read.

There’s a stain on it, a ring from a coffee mug, and Stiles laughs about that. It’s something Derek does without realizing. He’ll put down his mug, and then ten minutes later he’ll pick it up to find his papers stuck to the bottom.

He looks up when the front door opens and Derek walks in, he looks as if he’s in a trance as he loosens his tie and tosses his coat over the couch. He’s wearing a suit, he looks good in a suit – Stiles thinks to himself – and a broken expression.

Derek ignores him, walking over to the coffee table and picking up the book – leafing through it until he finds the passage he was looking for – and reads it.

-

Derek gets home late afternoon with only one thing on his mind. The book. The books _Stiles_ wrote. The book that had a character based on him. Maybe he’d find something in there, something that would tell him how Stiles felt about him. Something that tells him if something _could_ have been between them.

_The man has claws, and fangs, and eyes that light up yellow. Because having abs wasn’t enough. And Amy is lost on him, because he came out of nowhere and saved her. And then he turns and smiles and asks ‘is everything okay?’ and she just stands there nodding like an idiot. Which is – honestly? She’s a cop. She’s a bad ass cop who solves murders, and kicks ass and hunts down supernatural evil creatures. She’s the most powerful witch of her generation, but put a handsome looking werewolf in front of her and she becomes this? She shakes her head and clears her mind._

_“yes, thank you” she replies, “I’m Amy Sutton. NYPD. And you are?”_

_“Eric Stale” he says with a nod, she smiles at him and then glances at the body lying at their feet. He looks uncomfortable for a second._

_“Relax, Eric. We’ll take care of it” she says, “Not the first wendigo I’ve had to take down. Probably won’t be my last. Let’s light this bitch on fire.”_

 

Derek seems to reread the passage in silence a few more times before putting it down, “You’d be an awesome werewolf” he mutters to himself under his breath, “Fuck, Stiles. Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

_

“Tell you what?” Stiles asks confused – no response. Stiles looks at Derek, and then he looks at himself for a moment, staring at his hands lying on his lap. Something is wrong. Something is so very, _very_ _wrong_. Because Derek – the Derek Stiles _knows_ and _loves_ – that Derek would _never_ ignore Stiles.

_

Derek gets up and walks over to the bookcase, pulling out the other three books from the _escape_ series.

He can’t stop himself from doing it. Reading all the books, looking for Eric in it and highlighting everything.

It’s driving him crazy. Stiles based a character on him. Why? They were friends, good friends. Some scenes with the character remind Derek of conversations they’ve had. Of how they met, of – but why?

_“Shut up, Scott. I don’t care that your colleague is a total cutie. I told you, I’m not looking for something right now. I got my eyes on the prize. No worries, though. I’ll get my happy ending. It isn’t over ‘til the fat lady sings, right? And since misses Henley lost her voice, we’ll be safe for a bit longer.”_

Derek puts the book down, unable to ignore the empty feeling in his stomach. Because Stiles is gone, and he’ll never get to know the truth now. He’ll never know if they could’ve been something.

 

_

It takes a while for Stiles to figure it out. And when he does – he sort of shifts. Suddenly he’s gone, and then he’s back and he doesn’t know why.

But he figures it out three weeks later, when someone knocks on Derek’s door and when he opens it, Stiles sees his dad.

Stiles isn’t stupid. He can put two and two together. Derek ignores him, because Derek can’t _see_ him. Stiles doesn’t remember anything after crossing the intersection when the light turned green except turning up at Derek’s place. And Derek always looks sad these days. So Stiles _knows_ he is a ghost. Stiles knows he’s dead. And that hurts, because he sees how it affects everyone around him. He sees Derek hurting every day when he drags himself out of bed. He sees it in Isaac and Erica when they visit him and shoot him worried glances. He feels it in the absence of his name in their conversations. He feels it even more when someone accidentally slips up and mentions his name and the room goes colder.

And now he sees it on his dad’s face. Who looks ten years older, and broken. Something tells Stiles that – if he could smell – his dad would smell of whiskey or gin. And part of Stiles is so very proud that his dad is still going, because he knows how hard it is. He knows how hard it was for him after his mother died, and he knows that Stiles was the only reason he kept going back then.

_

“Sheriff” Derek nods politely and lets him in, the sheriff smiles weakly at him as they both sit at the kitchen table.

“Isaac told me” the sheriff says after a while, “About how you felt about Stiles.”

Derek doesn’t meet his eyes, he looks down at his hands resting on the table and doesn’t say anything.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Derek. But I know you and my son were close friends, and I want to make sure you were okay” he says after a moment of silence, “I know what it’s like losing the person you love.”

“But that’s the thing, though, isn’t it?” Derek says, meeting the sheriff’s eyes, “I – I only figured out I loved him a week before and then he was gone. So – I’ll never know. I’ll never know if we could have been something. I’ll never know if _he_ loved _me._ ”

“I’m so sorry, Derek” the sheriff sighs deeply, “I wish I had an answer for you, but Stiles never told me about those things. If it’s any help, I know he cared a lot about you.”

“It doesn’t” Derek says with a sigh, “But it’ll have to be enough, I guess.”

_

That’s the moment Stiles realizes why he is still there. Because Derek doesn’t know. Derek doesn’t know how madly in love Stiles was with him, because Stiles never told anyone. Stiles never wrote it down anywhere, he never said anything, he never even hinted at it. He bottled it up and kept it down. Hiding behind his laptop and writing a few chapters every time it got too much. And then Derek called him and said he wanted to talk, that he wanted to _be_ with Stiles. And Stiles had gotten in his car and drove over and – died.

And now Derek didn’t know that Stiles loved him. And until Derek knew the truth. Stiles was stuck.

_

People tell him it gets easier after a while, but it doesn’t.

It’s been a month since Stiles died, and it’s not easier. If anything, it’s harder. Because that question is still unanswered, and gnawing at him, always with him in the back of his head. Cora visits him almost every day now, making sure he’s okay – he isn’t.

Sometimes when Derek thinks maybe he’ll be okay, something happens. The first time it was finding Stiles’ picture on the front page of the paper with the headline:

**“Stiles Stilinksi – author of the ‘Escape’ series, killed in hit and run.”**

_Stiles Stilinski, who worked under the penname of C. Grayson, died last week during a hit and run accident. The man – who had just yet to turn twenty eight – was on his way to visit a friend when he was hit by a drunk driver. The writer died on impact and never stood a chance._

_He leaves behind his father. According to our sources, Stilinski was not involved with anyone at the time of his passing. Our hearts and support goes out to his friends and family during this difficult time._

_His editor, Lydia Martin, told the press that he had just finished his last book of the series that same evening. It will be published after editing by the end of this year. Proceeds will go to mister Stilinski’s favorite charity, and to his father._

_

Stiles knows he’s dead. And he knows that he can never have what he wanted. And he hates himself for not going after it when he had the chance. But he is happy for the little things now. Like knowing that Derek loved him too, if it was only at the end. Or being able to finish his book before it all came crashing down. Or for being stuck here, and not somewhere else. For being able to look at Derek, watch him work from home a few days each week.

He enjoys watching Derek sway his hips to music while he cooks his dinner, or while he does the dishes. He enjoys watching Derek read his books and laugh at certain passages. And he knows he has to enjoy it. But he also knows he has to find a way to let Derek know that he loved him. Because he can’t stay there forever. Part of him wants to, but another part can’t help but think that – up there, or wherever he ends up – his mother is waiting for him. So he needs to find a way to let Derek know so they can both move on.

So he thinks back to everything he’s ever read about ghosts during his research for his latest novel. About how strong emotions can help you appear _solid_. How anger is a strong motivator, but also dangerous. About how it takes patience and time, and how not everyone can see him, but that there must be people out there.  

_

The next time Derek thinks that maybe he’ll be okay, it is ruined by an interview. He didn’t even know it existed, but apparently Stiles recorded it a few weeks before he died. Because it’s his face, and he is being interviewed by Lydia Martin, his editor.

And it’s about his books, the ones nobody knew he wrote. And suddenly, while flipping through the channels, he sees Stiles’ face on the screen and he freezes.

_“Stiles Stilinski” Lydia’s voice starts of the interview, “First of all, where does the penname come from?”_

_“My mom” he says, “She died when I was eight. And her name – her maiden name – was Claudia Grayson. Hence, C. Grayson. I based the main character on her. She was strong, and brave, and always wanted justice. She worked as a D.A.”_

_“You decided to work under a pen name, why is that?” she asks._

_“I don’t know. It started as a homage to my mom. But another part of it is that I didn’t want people to come up and ask me how the books were going to end. I’ve finished the series now, and I can handle questions about how and why it ended the way it did. But - . I’m bad at keeping a straight face. If someone had come up to me and asked me about a certain character, I probably would’ve given it away. So I decided to keep my identity a secret until I finished the series.”_

_“So nobody knows about it?”_

_“Only my editor, so you, and my dad” he says, “Sometimes – sometimes I want to tell other people. Well, someone in particular. But I can wait a few more months.”_

_“So you know how the series will end?” Lydia asks him, Stiles nods, but he doesn’t say anything, “How about other endings? What do you think is the perfect ending to a story?”_

_“I’m a firm believer of happy endings” he says with a dazzling smile towards the camera, “And I’m hopeful I’ll get my happy ending too.”_

_

Stiles looks at the interview standing behind Derek and just stares at his face on the screen.

“I was talking about you” he says, “I wanted to tell you.”

Derek looks over his shoulder as he says it, frowning and then shaking his head as he looks back to the TV.

Stiles remembers when he recorded that interview with Lydia. She said to do it before he finished the book, because there wouldn’t be time to do it after, with all the press. In a way she was right, just not for the right reasons. Sure, there was a lot of press. But not to ask him questions about his books. They could try, though. He just wasn’t able to answer them anymore.

“I miss you” Derek mutters.

“Me too” Stiles replies.

_

“You have to stop thinking about what should have been, Derek” Cora says as she tosses him his jacket, “there’s so much that should have been.”

“I know that, Cora” he says tersely, “But knowing that doesn’t stop you from feeling it.”

“I know. I’m sorry, okay? I know you loved him” she says, Derek frowns at her, “Yes, Derek, I knew. You might not have realized it, but everyone else did. Well, at least Laura and I did. But you can’t stay stuck on the past, okay? So, please, just come out with me today. It’ll do you good.”

Derek agrees eventually and follows her out, they get to the city, get some drinks and then he’s once again reminded of it when a bus drives by promoting C. Grayson’s last book.

Derek just stares at it as the bus stops to let off some people, and Cora follows his gaze, placing her hand on his.

“Derek?” she asks uncertainly, he looks at her and smiles – he doesn’t convince anyone with it.

“I’m fine” he says, looking back at his drink and lifting it to take a sip.

“You – have you cried yet?” she asks, “Over losing him?”

Derek looks at her for a moment before shaking his head, “What’s the point in that?” he asks her, “It won’t bring him back.”

“No, but it will – it’s a part of mourning, Derek” she says, shaking her head and looking at him worriedly, “It’s something you need to do before you can move on. Before you can accept it.”

“I have accepted it” he says, “He died because he was on his way to me. What do you want me to say, Cora? That it wasn’t my fault? Because I know that, I know it’s not my fault he died. But that doesn’t make me feel any less guilty or bad about it.”

She sighs deeply, “Will you do something for me?” she asks, almost begging and Derek sighs too.

“Sure” he says, she bites her lip and pulls a card from her bag, handing it to him carefully.

“Make an appointment” she says, Derek looks at the card _Mulroney, grief counselor_ and frowns at his sister, “Just – please? For me. it’ll make me feel better if I knew you’d at least talked to her.”

“Okay” he says after a while, “But only for you.”

“Thanks.”

_

Derek is slowly moving on. Stiles can see that, and it makes him happy. He finds out that Cora – good old Cora – made him see a grief counselor. And that Derek actually went, that he talks there about a lot of things. And that’s why – one night – Derek turns to the chair Stiles always sat in when he came over and starts talking.

“My therapist, well, counselor, said it helps to talk to you like you’re still here” Derek says after a while, “So I decided to give it a try.”

He takes a pause and Stiles – who is sitting in the chair – leans forwards, taking in everything Derek is saying to him.

“Every time I think I’ll be alright, something reminds me” he says, “And I can’t help but think what could have been had you gotten here that night. What you would’ve said. If I would’ve kissed you – if you would’ve wanted me to.”

“I would’ve” Stiles says.

“But now I’ll never know” Derek continues, “And that’s the hardest, you know? Not knowing if you felt the same way, if we had a chance. I don’t know if knowing would make this easier, because then there’d be so much more we lost. You – you are so important to me. I know we were just friends, but you helped me a lot. When we met, I had no idea it would lead to this. But I wouldn’t change a thing, Stiles. Well – maybe one thing. If I could, I’d have you sitting in that chair right now. Talking back to me the way you always do – did. Making some stupid joke or something.”

“I never made stupid jokes” Stiles says a bit shocked, “I mean – not a lot of them, at least. Is that how you’ll remember me? The friend with the stupid jokes?”

“I’m afraid I’ll forget about you” he says, “And that scares me, because I love you. And I keep rereading your books, looking up that character you based on me and recognizing conversations we had and I can’t help but wonder, you know? I just – I miss you. And I miss what should have been. What _we_ should have had.”

“Same” Stiles sighs, Derek gets up and leaves the room.

_

It’s been almost six months since the accident, and Derek feels like his life is slowly getting back to normal. A normal without Stiles. Last week was the first time their group hung out again together, with Scott, Cora, Erica, Boyd, and Isaac. They raised a glass to Stiles – and then didn’t really mention him for a long time. Then Scott told them about how he and Stiles first met at the playground, and how they became friends.

Derek tells them about why he first helped out Stiles that day they met, and how they became friends sharing pizza and a table that time. Cora tells them how Stiles used to tutor her in math, even though he wasn’t great at it, because he wanted to help her.

It’s a nice evening. They talk and they laugh and they remember him together, and Derek thinks he might be alright eventually. It might take him a bit longer, but he’ll get there.

“Are you okay?” Isaac asks him when they leave together a few hours later.

“No” Derek says, “But I think I will be.”

“That’s good” Isaac smiles and places a hand on Derek’s shoulder, “Let’s get you home.”

_

 

There’s a knock on his door a few days later and when Derek opens it he’s surprised to find Lydia there. They’d talked a few times, kept in touch for a bit after the funeral, but he hadn’t expected her to visit.

“Lydia” he says, she smiles weakly at him and he steps aside to let her in, she doesn’t move.

“Derek” Lydia looks at him pulling something from her bag, “He – he finished it right before he – you know. I think he would’ve liked you to have this.”

She hands him the book, his hands trembling when he takes it and she smiles.

“I’ll – I’ll leave you to it” she says, he nods gratefully as she turns and leaves.

He sits down – the book unopened on his knees for what feels hours – before finding the strength to open it.

_This book is dedicated to D.H._

_The muse to this story._

_Let it be written down, just this once._

_I love you._

_S.S._

He stares at the dedications page for a moment before the words register completely.

“D.H.” he says slowly, looking up at the empty chair across him – where Stiles always sat when he came over, “You – you loved me.”

“I did” Stiles says, he feels peaceful. Because Derek knows now, and maybe they didn’t get a shot at it, but Derek _knows._ And somehow that’s enough right now.

“I wish I’d known” he says, “God – I’m talking to an empty chair. Look at me – I’m losing it, Stiles.”

“I wish you could see me” he says.

“Me too” Derek replies, and then his eyes widen and he gasps, “Okay – now I’m hallucinating. Stiles?”

“Derek – can you hear me?” Stiles says, “I love you, Derek.”

“Okay , this is – is this happening? Are you – are you really?” Derek bites his lip, and suddenly he’s crying – for the first time since losing Stiles – and he looks at the empty chair.

“I think I am” Stiles says, “But not for much longer. I think I have to go now.”

“What? Why?” Derek asks, even if it’s just an hallucination, at least he gets to hear Stiles’ voice one last time.

“I think I got my closure. You found out how I truly felt about you, and I learnt that you loved me too” he says, “It’s okay, though, Derek. I mean, if I’m a ghost then. Maybe there’s something up there, you know? Maybe I’ll see my mom again.”

“I wish we’d had a chance to –“ Derek’s voice cracks before he can finish his sentence.

“Yeah, me too” Stiles says, “But it’s okay. It’s time we move on, Derek. You and me both. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure about sharing first, but I sort of had to write it, and the story came easily, and I thought, why not. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it - sort of - and let me know what you think.


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